I Have To Let You Go
by Swedishgirl93
Summary: "Just like that, I could let everything go. Endure one final pain, and then I would be free!"


My first Swan Queen fanfic!

**Warning: Suicide, suicidal thoughts, blood.**

A horrible story, but I just needed to get this one out of my head.

Regina opened the door to her bedroom and entered. Her knees were shaking badly as she made her way to the bed, as the tears kept falling.

A few hours ago, she had lost the only thing that made her life worth living, the only person that could pull her out from the constant darkness that seemed to encircle her heart.

Henry.

Ever since he was placed in her arms as a baby, she vowed that she would always make sure that he was happy. Even if it meant letting him go.

Regina threw herself on the mattress and grabbed one of her pillows, clinging on to it tightly as she continued to cry.

During the last couple of weeks, she had tried to change, to show her son that she was good. But all of that blew up in her face.

A few hours ago, her heart started to break in her chest. A pain she had not experienced for many years.

Regina stopped crying for a moment to catch her breath. The need for comfort build up inside of her. To feel a pair of arms, holding and soothing her. Whispering sweet things in her ear until the tears subsided. Having golden locks tickle her cheeks, and green eyes…

"No!"

Regina threw the pillow away.

"Emma."she whispered silently.

Regina hated and despised that woman with all her soul. That special smirk, the disrespectful attitude, the stubbornness and the lack of class drove Regina crazy. Yet it was all of those things that she also loved about the blonde woman.

Regina got up from the bed and headed for the bathroom. She turned on the lights and looked at her reflection in the mirror. It showed a broken woman, not the once confident and fearless one. She had been stripped of all her power, left naked and alone.

A few hours ago, there were two people who believed that she had changed. Regina needed them to believe her, without them she would be lost.

Henry…and Emma.

A few hours ago, Emma stood on her porch and accused her of murder, and threatened to take away her son.

_You can pretend all you want, but we know who you are and who you will always_ _be._

"Stop!" Regina screamed while her fist connected with the mirror in front of her, and left thousands of pieces of glass scattered around the room. She did not feel the pain on her knuckles, or the blood that seeped through the cuts. The pain in her heart was far much greater.

_"Love is weakness."_

Her mother's cold voice echoed in her mind. Regina knew that she should have listened to her.

Why did she believe that anyone could love her? She would always be the Evil Queen.

Regina gripped the edges of the sink as memories of her mother crept into her conscious being.

Memories of the years of abuse and neglect ripped open old wounds and made Regina scream once again.

The countless times her mother used magic to hurt and to control her. The scar her mother inflicted on her upper lip when she hit her for the first time.

_"Love is weakness"_

Daniel's heart ripped out of his chest, her forced marriage with a man she did not love.

The need for Regina to kill her own father, to evoke a curse that was now broken. The rejection of her son, as he went out to find his birthmother. And finally the person who believed in her the most, who protected her when everyone else wanted her dead, had now turned her back on Regina.

It all came, crashing down at once. All the pain, all the tears, and all the suffering.

Regina grabbed one of the drawers next to the sink, and flung it against the wall. She looked over at the remains of the drawer and spotted a razor blade lying among the debris. She picked it up with her healthy hand and watched how it glistened when the lights in the bathroom hit it.

"Just like that, I could let everything go. Endure one final pain, and then I would be free!"

It was tempting. Not a worthy end to a Queen, but right now, Regina did not care. For once, she would be the one in control of her own life.

"One final sleep."

Regina sat on her bed, the razor in one hand and a couple of sleeping pills in the other.

The house was quiet and cold, and felt like a prison more than a home. It was suffocating her. Now that Henry was gone, Regina was left with the memories of the boy she had raised. How he used to crawl into bed with her when he had had a bad nightmare, how he took his first steps in the living room between the couch and the table, how he used to run in the hallway when Regina strictly told him not to.

Regina sighed.

"Maybe I was too strict with him? I tried so hard to keep him happy."

Tears crawled out from the corner of her eyes. She quickly blinked them away and held up the pills to her mouth.

"I am sorry Henry." she cried out, but was met with silence. The choking silence that were her only company. She swallowed all the pills at once, and felt how her throat protested at the sudden invasion, but she forced them all down.

When she was sure that she would not throw up, she held out the razor. Regina's hands were shaking badly as she held the blade over her wrist.

She thought about Emma. The Savior. The woman who managed to find a place in her heart. There were so many things that Regina wanted to tell her, how only the sight of her would make her stomach drop, how she wanted to be held by her, to be kissed and to feel safe in her arms.

How their fights were only a defense mechanism for Regina. She did not plan to fall head over heels for the blonde. But now she had and she cursed herself for it.

_"Love is weakness."_

Regina brought down the blade on her skin. She bit her lip when the stinging pain started. It was not an unpleasant feeling, more like a relieved one.

The blade cut deep and Regina watched how the blood colored the skirt she wore.

"Now they will finally see their Queen dead!"

Regina started to feel quite dizzy, as she began to focus on the other wrist. The blood dripped down on her knees and formed a big stain on the floor. Regina's hand felt numb and she had some trouble grasping the blade.

"I am sorry, Emma."

This cut was much bigger and caused her to gasp out in pain.

Regina slumped down to the floor.

Suddenly, there came a loud knocking on her front door.

"Regina, open the door now!"

It was Emma's voice.

"She is too late." Regina whispered while she started crying.

Her head felt heavy and her vision became blurry.

"Regina, if you do not open right now, I have to kick the door in!"

The blood was everywhere.

Regina heard how the door flew open. Heavy footsteps came up the stairs.

"Emma, Emma." Regina managed to whisper. Her whole body was aching.

"REGINA!" Emma screamed while Regina felt her eyes on her body.

"What have you done?!"

Emma picked up Regina and held her in her arms.

"Regina, please answer me! Please, you cannot do this!"

Regina stopped crying and looked into the beautiful green eyes that she fell in love with. Emma's golden hair hung down her shoulders and Regina could not resist the urge to touch it. It was so incredibly soft.

"I am sorry, Emma." Regina's voice was raspy and merely a whisper.

Emma reached down and brought up one of Regina's hands, not minding the blood that started staining her clothes, and held it tight.

"You cannot do this to me, to Henry."

Emma's voice became desperate while tears fell down and landed on Regina's cheek.

Regina breathed in heavily and felt how her eyelids were getting heavy. She felt cold.

"I tried, Emma, but it hurts. I want it to stop."

"No please, Regina! I love you!"

Regina saw the sincerity in Emma's eyes. The revelation made Regina's heart clench up.

"I love you too. Tell Henry that I love him. Always did."

Emma began rocking Regina's dying body.

"I love you." Regina whispered. She felt how her heart started to slow down and how life left her. She closed her eyes and relaxed in Emma's comforting hold.

"REGINA, NO, DO NOT DO THIS TO ME. COME BACK PLEASE!"

Emma screamed before she bent down and kissed Regina on the lips, thinking that it could bring her back. But the only thing she felt was how Regina stopped moving in her arms.

"I love you, love you so much." Emma managed to say before she felt how her heart started breaking in her chest.


End file.
